How does one start their life over again? I have no idea. I guess I’ll start by continuing to find a way to breathe. By getting out of bed every morning and putting one foot in front of the other. By caring for myself with bubble baths and kitten kisses and hopefully one day all that was will be but a lovely memory of some vaporous dream.
You’d think that after a break up of an engagement, a promise of a life…that you’d simply die. It would certainly be easier. But you awaken in the middle of the night and reality hits you in the face with the unexpected harshness of all that was and all that is. You bury your head in the pillow and pray that pain will go away but you know that there are hours until the light. You acquire a deep understanding and a knowing that you will miss this person every day for the rest of your life. You mourn. You grieve. You cry…but I haven’t cried. I think I’ve cried myself out months ago.
But then the sun rises and you realize you can’t stay in bed any longer. Something has to be done with all this breathing. So in my case, I’ll throw myself behind my work. I’ve been told that in as much as I loved this man, I will love myself more as my art reaches new eyes and develops into some kind of maturity. I’m told to keep chasing the light. I’m told I have talent and vision. I’m told to live life like a phoenix from the ashes. I’ve been told I’m amazing.
The final nail in the coffin drove thru my heart with such force it blinded me. It was meant to do that. It was an exclamation mark with purpose. I got the message. How does one continue to live with a hole in one’s heart? I guess I’ll stuff it with paper photographs of beauty, written words on scraps of napkins and bicycle rides to the beach.
I’ll be back….